You do know this is a costume, right?

this year was the 2nd time in my life that i can remember dressing up for Halloween.

Growing up, my parents were (and still are) not fans of devil infused traditions. (jesusislorddammit!) so i remember going to a couple Hallelujah parties, which involved kids dressing up and there being tons of candy.. but i don’t remember doing it myself.

as a freshman in college wayyyy back in the day i got gussied up as a surfer once. i wore low slung board shorts and a bikini top and had obnoxious drunk boys coming up to me all night and asking if they could touch my boobies. i also remember kissing a boy dressed as Lil Wayne (black mop, tin foil teeth. don’t worry, he took the tinfoil off). he was 17 or something and keep begging me, as an older woman, to ‘teach him some stuff’.  if only he knew i was quite virginal myself… still cracks me up.

anyways. i’m not adverse to the idea, costumes are fun, free candy is great, etc etc, but since i’ve been in the military i just keep being gone and i’ve always needed a wingman to get dressed up like an idiot. last year i was in Afghanistan, the year before that i was drinkingdrinkingdrinking and didn’t go out anywhere, before that i had just arrived in Baltimore and didn’t know anyone…ummm.. i forget what happened in 2007, but in ’06 i was in boot camp, so it just wasn’t done.

so this year, my darlings, i dressed up as a knocked up chain smoking and drinking housewife. i wore a sweet flowery dress, slippers and long white socks, a blonde wig with curlers in it, and the coup de grace was my belly: a bunch of rolled up shirts tucked lovingly into a pillowcase and ace bandaged onto my belly. sexy. mmmmm. haha.

i picked up my friend Daniel, who was not in a costume, and we went to Walgreens to get some smokes and cash.( I grabbed Virginia Slims bc i think thats what housewives smoke. maybe?) he was joking around with the cashiers, and one of them asked me what i was gonna be for Halloween. um. she turned neon and giggled and said she didn’t realize, and omg she’s so sorry. (was she calling me fat? rude.)

at the door to my favorite bar in town, the ID checker didn’t recognize me. neither did my bartender. it was fucking awesome. i had so many random guys walk up and ask me what i was doing out of the kitchen, or to make them a sandwich, etc. i caught tons of dirty looks as i was drinking and smoking. pool game was wicked off, but i claimed it was bc i wasn’t able to lean against the table bc i was protecting my little one haha.

at one point in the night i went to go pee. turns out i had accidentally ace wrapped my jockeys to my hips, so when i was done i stood in front of the mirror and readjust my belly via my sweet buttons running down the front of the dress.

 a chick standing next to me leaned in and asked if i knew what i was having yet. i smirk and said it was a boy obviously, because my belly was so low. god she lit up, started talking about babies and sonograms and pediatricians and ob-gyns and her two sons. so i just keep sipping my rum and dr pepper and nodding along and mmmhmmmming every thing she was saying. finally, finally, finally she paused for breath and asked if it was my first child. i said, “you do know this is a costume, right?” she stammered that she saw me adjust my belly and it was skin toned. i said yeah, and showed her the ace bandage. she turned bright red and apologized, and took off running.

made my fucking night.

don't freak out, it's just a costume.

You do know this is a costume, right?


~ by manjamanis on November 1, 2010.

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