just call me thumper

my heart has recently developed this freakish habit of beating so strongly that it gives me away constantly. there goes my calm exterior.. which is overdue for a hiatus i believe.

so i might find out this week or next week about my MEB. i’m trying very very hard not to become annoying and phone-stalk the poor people that are handling my paperwork but fml i want to know now dammit.

i can’t not plan. i just can’t not do it. i’m scrambling for school ideas, or work possibilities. i’m feeling terrified that my skills aren’t marketable, that i won’t be able to get a job to last me until school starts and i can get the GI Bill benefits.

i just looked up unemployment calculators, the average i’d get seems to be around $400, give a few bucks. based on my bills, totally livable. i just strongly dislike leaving things to chance.

i can see myself getting cranky and irritable,  and i’m trying very hard not to be, but my brain just won’t shut up and let me sleep or be quiet or at peace. i’ve stopped drinking, almost completely. it’s a strange experience i have no idea what to do with all my new sober hours, so i’m a little bored. but at the same time i’m restless because there’s so much going on, and i can’t concentrate on things i normally enjoy doing. and then of course all the things that i had tucked away behind an alcoholic barrier are resurfacing, which adds on to my irritability. eek. can’t win here kids.

xx

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~ by manjamanis on October 4, 2010.

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