Ms. New Booty

So I escorted Erik Holmes and Colin Kelly from the Air Force Times from here to Germany this past weekend.. Long and complicated pain in the arse story later, we caught a ride on a C-17. There were only 4 passengers, so we were allowed to spread out and sprawl out on the floor. Turns out, the floor gets really damn cold, even with 4 blankets as padding. Luckily it was only a ten hour flight so its not like i really had time to feel the cold seeping into my bones, through my boots and into my teeth. I’m quite sure my teeth never, ever rattled the whole entire time.

We land. It’s beautiful, and mmmmm so green. Trees everywhere. It smelled good, clean, and no dust – wow. I walked the guys to a cab stand after a bit of a stupid-AF-bureaucracy-debate (totally not the guys fault) and then meandered over to the fancy new mall/billeting.

To be fair, the internet sucked pretty bad. i think i get a better connection out here honestly. And, the lights in my bathroom didn’t work. Plus, the tub was only wide enough for a side-ways midget. But you know what? It was awesome. Clean sheets, soft carpet, warm water, longer than a 3 minute shower, mmm. Awesome.

I called my friend Katie, and reached a Yank who had no idea who she was. So i fought with my internet for about 15 minutes to convince it to let me email a three sentence manifesto asking her to call me. She did and we went out for a delicious dinner. I had some sort of seafood pasta and a margarita <have i ever mentioned that i really love tequila mixed drinks?>

we headed to Katie’s 3 bedroom humongous apartment and waited for some dude named Steven to show up. Katie warned me ahead of time that he’d seen me on myspace and was in lust with me and that she was supposed to ‘hook it up’. Ha. We hit up a bar and i drank what i remember being called ‘delicious’ but what was possibly called Hefferveisen, the Germany alternative to Budlight. It was no BL, but it was relatively tasty. Young KT didn’t want to finish hers so i chugged like 3/4 of it because, well, when you’re deployed and extremely limited access to anything with alcoholic content you get a lot less picky about it. Just saying.

At the next bar i started drinking double Tequila Sunrises — mmmmm… There’s just something about the taste of Tequila man. It’s kind of tangy and curls the back of your throat a bit, and it’s just so delicious. Don’t get me wrong, i can’t take a straight shot of it to save my life because it instantly makes me throw up, but pretty much add anything and it’s good. Once, on a very short night, i was drinking $.25 specials of tequila and sprite. Tasted sooo good going down but uggghhhhhhh going back up.
 anyways – i purchased myself several tasty beverages, but Steven was the main buyer of my drinks. I felt bad because i had no intention of sleeping with the dude, but on the other hand he’s never been deployed and this being my second trip to FunziLand, he owes the rest of us a drink or seven.

We hit up what i guess is a happenin’ place in downtown K-Town, and while standing in line i blearily noticed there was a flier for Bubba Sparxx performing there. I about had a heart attack when i realized it was for that night. So i’ve seen Flyleaf and Bubba — what’s next???? I vote…. Amy Winehouse! woo! Lots ‘o horrible drunken dancing and screaming later, Bubba comes in, performs and is pretty good on stage. I was digging his interactions with his DJ – they were talking smack back and forth and making jokes on the crowd and it was cracking me up.

You know how Taco Bell or McD’s (or yummyWhattaburger/Taco Bueno in Texas, or Dick’s in Seattle) are the staple food at the end of a bar night? Well, at least amongst the hip AF types in K-town, that food has been translated into a small peice of heaven known as a…hmmmm no clue on the spelling but feel free to pronounce it as a boner with a d: Doner. It’s shaved lamb on a toasted bread thing the size of a burger.. god that thing was good.

Young Steven (who’s actually older than i am) speaks [what sounded to me like] native German was chatting up the taxi driver on our way back to Katies. Not to be outdone, i jumped in with my French. Too bad I was in Germany. Minor details like that are nowhere near enough to dissuade me when i’m that drunk, so i remember babbling away. At Katies I was smoking out on the porch and i kept yelling advice to the drunk kids down the way. One dude was passed out in the street. It look like an amateurish mistake – they pushed the really drunk person out without having someone to catch him/her on the other side so him/her/possibly it simply crumpled up on the loving sidewalk. The friends were a lot shorter than the person on the ground, so it was funny to watch. It’s debateable whether or not they understood english, but help is help, right?

I threw up for a while after that, not going to lie. I’ve never understood why people are so ashamed of alcohol-related-vomit. It happens, if you do it on purpose you feel better afterwards, etc etc etc. I crawled into Katie’s bed and almost died because it was so soft and comfortable, which i’m pretty sure made her laugh. She was great btw, just like to put that out there, when i woke up the next day i found a trashcan and like 4 water options next to my head.

Steven was gone already, and Katie laughingly told me about how he’d begged her for condoms the night before. She shook her head and told him okayyyyy but that she was pretty sure he wasn’t getting any. He was convinced, so she gave him a couple – cheeky bastard.

Eventually she dropped me back off at my hotel where i showered and figured i should check over at the terminal and find out when i might be flying back. It was about 1700, and the lady at the counter told me i could just stay there because i had to be there at 1845 for rollcall for my flight. I dashed home, showered and was packing up sadly when i realized that i hadn’t bought anything – rediculous. Then i also realized i was in a mall – bing! I did a mad dash around, buying all kinds of crap that either had ‘Germany’ on it somewhere, or else was made of chocolate.

i was older and wiser the trip back, and i decided to sleep on the benches instead of the floor. They have very hard steel-ish metal bars between the lovely cloth parts, but 15 blankets later they weren’t too bad overall. I slept like an exhausted-and-hungover-kid-who-hadn’t-spent-enough-time-in-germany, and it was great.

sidenote#1 – my sister is not pregnant and legitimately wants to get married. More on that to follow, but i’m superstoked she’s not preggers.

sidenote#2 – quote of the month, “if i wasn’t already married i would have proposed to you like ten times already”

insidejoketoberemembered – eyeball tattoos


~ by manjamanis on August 18, 2009.

One Response to “Ms. New Booty”

  1. awesome story 😛

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