What I [don’t] Like About [many of] You

i was asked recently about what i learned from my recent romantic disaster; mostly it was character traits and/or personal habits that i am going to avoid for the rest of my life, interspersed with the occasional deep insight into my own chaos.

1. i really, really don’t like being bugged the second i walk in the door. i’m tired, hungry and brain dead from a crappy day at work, you are lonely and bored after a long day of playing video games. i tried really hard to be sympathetic and interested but there are honestly only so many times i can laugh or smile at the story of your stupid dog jumping on your balls which made you die during your supercool game. oh and i realize that being a waiter at a crummy restaurant isn’t your dream job but i have no response to another gripe about a shitty tip. i know i’m being callous, but i think you could get another job. i’m just saying. i used to wish i could relate to what happened during your day because maybe then i would feel more connected, but i started to realize it was a lost cause. i noticed this the day your expensive cable was all hooked up, because all i ever heard from you was baseball statistics and questions about why i was being distant. i did not mean to be, i just had nothing to say. i did try and explain this to you, and i know you tried to comprehend it. you made comments about waiting until 6 before you would try and talk to me, at which point i tried to tell you my happiness didn’t have a formula attached. depending on the day i had, or how aggravated i was by you i might not want to talk to you at all, or maybe i would be fine as soon as i was changed. i just wish you could have noticed me glaring and realized that i didn’t want to talk to you right then.

2. i require literacy. i kinda sorta read all the time and while i don’t need you to have read all the same things, it would have been nice if you read sometimes.. and no sports statistics do not count. i read the news every single day at work because i like to know what is going on in the world; i read how-to articles; i read selfhelp books. i read nonsense about romance, i read Kafka. i thought it was great when you wanted to read too, until i noticed that it took you almost a month to get through a 300 page book. you liked to use big words and you thought it was great that i always fixed your grammar but actually sweetheart it makes you look like an idiot if you use words incorrectly; if you don’t know their meaning or how to use them properly in a sentence it is probably better not to use it at all.

3. i understand that it is normal for guys to fight over who has the biggest cock when they first meet each other, but i think it is stupid. you used to tell me that you felt like an idiot and a jackass and worthless; i tried to tell you to stop thinking like that. people of mediocre intelligence do great things all the time, you just have to believe in yourself. i don’t get why you felt a need to be cooler than the 78 year old man that lives across the street, but i noticed you liked to jump in and disagree with him all the time. talking louder does not make you right, but i’m sure at one point you will learn that.

4. i hated the way you treated the dogs. you used to get up and watch sports while i was getting ready to go to work. i’m just throwing it out there that you could have possibly let the dogs out, got them water, made sure they had enough food. at least on a commercial break or something? it’s not an issue for me to do it, i make time, but you could have. oh and just for the record, your dog is not well trained. mine aren’t either, but i don’t tell people that they are. you were the only one she would listen to, and it was usually after you had hit her. if you hit people i bet they would do everything you told them to do also.. it used to kill me when i’d come home and there would be a monster steaming pile of shit somewhere in the house and you would be playing video games. you would hit your dog and yell at her, and i used to wonder if it ever occurred to you to just let her out more often. Yes, she was capable of holding it for hours and hours, but there really wasn’t a reason for that when people were at home, was there? oh and getting mad at Charlie for him not going to you almost cost you your eyeballs. he was abused in many of his previous lifetimes and is skittish. yelling at him for dancing out of your reach makes him uncomfortable and pisses me off, and lost you points in both our eyes.

5. i didn’t like the way you were romantic. i used to, the first time we were together: you were my sun moon and stars and i don’t remember ever being angry with you. this time around it just didn’t work. i don’t know which one of use did all the changing, but i suspect it was me. like when you would get up the same time i did, even though you didn’t have to be at work for another six hours. you told me that if i didn’t get to sleep than you shouldn’t get to sleep either. i told you that was nonsense and that if it was switched i would definitely still be in bed. it aggravated me to see you wasting sleep when i wasn’t getting enough. i like to wake up at the last minute possible, rush around getting ready and go. i know it offended you that i didn’t take the time to smoke with you in the morning, but when it comes down to ten extra minutes of sleep vs smoking.. sorry, you lose! same goes for sharing a cup of coffee before i leave. i make some to go and smoke on my way to work anyways. you used to make me dinner, which i thought was very nice. however, i usually have no idea what i want for dinner until it’s dinnertime. i’m not even hungry until i smell the food most of the time. i know my smartass comments made you angry, but there are only so many ways of saying ‘i don’t know what i want for dinner’ and i was getting tired of repeats, savvy? oh and if i walk in, the house smells good and i still say i’m not hungry and you make me a plate anyway, i will probably take a few bites to be nice and then push it away. i’m just not enough of a man to eat when i’m not hungry. i remember when you got me a day at the spa, and it was a great idea. unfortunately the lady doing my facial took tweezers to my skin and ripped my pores open, the lady doing my massage rubbed salt into my freshly shaven legs and the lady doing my nails didn’t know how to do designs. my point is that the experience was not the panty dropper you were hoping for, which happens. i can’t believe you got mad at me later that night when i was tired and yawning through dinner and didn’t want to go to anything. i can’t believe you got even madder when we got home and i watched dumb tv for a couple hours instead of going to bed. i guess because i was alert enough to doze on the couch, i should have been fine to go out that night. please, forgive my selfishness.

6. i was scared of your penis. i know, i know, i know that’s crazy. a few months before you moved in i mentioned that i had never seen a peirced cock, followed with a crack about having to look one up on the internet because i would never see another one besides yours. you decide to get yours peirced in My Honor, which horrified me. I tried to talk you out of it, i tried to tell you that you should do that for you and not me, and that i didn’t actually want to experience one, i just wanted to see it.. and it was dumb to peirce it just to let me have a look. you were determined and you did it, kudos. i then had to listen to story after story about it oozing blood and puss not to mention the blurry grimy and alarming pictures you sent me. by the time we got around to being naked together i was terrified that it would rip out of your skin or maybe even shank my insides. i was able to feel like with every stroke because the balls at the end of your bar were the perfect length to rub against me walls. it felt like it was going to get lodged and trapped and i had horrible visions of trying to get you unstuck. so then because i was scared of your cock and it hurt a bit, i stopped wanting to have sex. at first it was just like ehhhh we didn’t do it today, whatever, then when days turned into weeks i was treating it like an experient almost. testing my celibacy, how far could it go? it made me angry when you tried to get me drunk in hopes that i would fuck you; is that really how you treat a person you’re in a relationship with? after awhile we just kept fighting, at which point i did not feel a desire to be intimate. i remember when you got mad at me when i moved my leg out from under your hand while at the neighbors house. you yelled at me about it later, telling me that other people don’t need to know when we are having problems, that it should stay between us. i moved away that particular time for two reasons: first that it was 97 degrees outside and i was sweaty enough already, and secondly i was mad at you and did not want to be groped by you. at all. of course there is no need for other people to know when we are fighting, however since i’m not stupid and i’m aware of it, i do not have to be touched by you if i do not feel like it.

you told me that i would miss you, that i would regret sending you home. I don’t. i think about you, but it’s probably not the way you were hoping.

~ by manjamanis on November 9, 2008.

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