Me, Myself, and Moi

today right, I woke up late-ish after not being able to sleep because i was being concerned about life. scrambled around, made coffee, walked Charlie and Boozer and yelled at Nonna to stop crying because it wouldn’t get her any extra attention.

Lugged all my stuff into my car, spilled coffee on my shoes, dropped my lighter.

Got cut off in traffic. Mislabeled a check and had to rip the envelope open and re-write it all.

I was thinking, as I do quite often, and wondering if life would have been any different if i wasn’t in the military. When I was first thinking of joining I was terrified that I was selling my creativity and uniqueness and trading it for three hots and a cot. I’ve been wondering that ever since.. am I less of a person? Would I have written my master piece by now if I wasn’t stuck in a monotonous 0730-1630 job every day?

I was terrified to tell a professor of mine that I was joining because I didn’t want him to think that I was giving up LIFE in order to be able to afford it.

That’s pretty much what I wonder about, every time I feel particularly useless or lonely. Or right now, when half my class from hs is graduating college this year and the other half is getting married. I can’t even stay in the same place longer than 6 months at a time — how am I supposed to get close enough to maintain anything?

so today i was thinking about all this, like normal, and i was missing ME. then it occurred to me, at what point in life was I more ME than I am right now? How can I say that I was more ME at 12, or 19 or last month? Yeah, I’m changing and experiencing new things but it’s shaping and molding ME. I think the epitome of my life will happen as I lay dying (hopefully on a warm bed in about 60 years).

There is no fair way that I can cry about the person I used to be when it is actually just a shade of who I am now. if you would have asked me 5 years ago whether i’d be drinking smoking and fucking i would have asked if you knew who i was.

i have a life’s new resolution now — i’m going to stop crying about the person i’ve lost, because i don’t know who that could have been. I might have been great, but I (god i wanted to say ‘lost that opportunity’).. I am now on a path.

nah it’s probably not going to work. i’m probably going to mourn the old ME. i’ll just have to also celebrate the current ME and will plan on the future ME.

(oh — i forgot. i took the final to the last class for my associates today – the old man that checked me in said that i looked like Angelina Jolie hehe awesome)

~ by manjamanis on May 6, 2008.

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